Weblog 24

July 4, 2006 10:15am
After a hiatus of 8 weeks, I've decided to come on back here and start to record my thoughts again. I've grown tired of poetry boards that give forth no reciprocation, and I guess I'm tired of silence where there should be discussion. If I'm going to be talking to a stone wall I may as well do it on my own little board, and here- where I'm talking to myself, but out loud- not waiting pathetically for some sort of response.

Same old theme here. I am just bowled over, knocked flat by the sheer meanness and resentment of the lady on the board who had decided to attack me. That's never happened to me before and I haven't recovered from it.

When a concerted bitterness is directed straight at you and you cannot figure out why, you begin to doubt yourself in all sorts of ways. Or at least doubt your perception of the world as you knew it. Suddenly all lot of things may have been misinterpretations. Maybe you are a damn, big fool and never knew it. So thus, this retreat. Here I can dodge both she- and the other one
who's very name makes me ill at this point.

...but for introducing me to the kind of mindless pecking order I've never before experienced in my life--


FUCK YOU!

There. I feel better. Happy fucking 4th of July. Here's to- once again- declaring my own indepence from the herd.


July 5, 2006~ 5:45pm
Back to work today. It's been a week with 'two Mondays', that's what it felt like. I had my work caught up when I got in and wasn't given a lot more, so I did the odds and ends that get left because I'm too busy to get to them. I can truthfully say that I am....for the first time in years...TOTALLY caught up. Not a speck of 'things to do' staring me in the face. (Feels weird, though. lol)

And yes, Ken Lay keeled over with a massive heart attack......(yeah--believe that, and I'll tell you another one.) Sorry folks but my level of cynicism involving the current administration and the chumminess between George Bush and this former (now conveniently dead) pirate of Enron, allows the mind to steer more towards engineered termination of an embarrassing- and probably legally prosecutable past. Nothing would surprise me. As my fella said (making me roar with laughter today), "I can just hear him, Kay.... Well, Kenny-Boy, time to meet the Big Fella upstairs. C'mon, Ken, just take yer pill....I gave that pill to Cheney FIVE TIMES already...." LOL!!- that nasally, irritating voice of his, dripping with smug stupidity. Another theory is that he's not dead at ALL! Anything is possible with enough money. Some poor slob could have been offed after having his face fixed by professionals to took just LIKE that shmuck. I say: MANDATORY DNA TESTING OF THAT DAMN CORPSE!

But if he is dead, by God-- let us HAVE AT 'EM!

Drag him on out here-- for the 'populi' to get their licks in; do a Mussilini on that son of a bitch! Hang him from a bridge somewhere and let's put some BOOTS to that horsemeat......(gawd, I hate Republicans.)


July 6, 2006~ 5:00pm
Let me tell you about my poetry day....lol. So I was leaving this board--- yet again- -and had said my goodbyes to the ones who mattered-- but another board I read quite often had a fella whose poetry I happen to like who'd posted a poem there......and it sat yesterday.

Throughout the morning--No comment. So he deleted it.

Then when he brought it to the board I was leaving, I jumped right in and said it's a lovely one to be sure-- a simple statement of appreciation for the words and images and thoughts-- as he had created them. Well that wasn't good enough. This self-doubter again asked my opinion of his word choices: weren't they too simple--didn't I have suggestions for how he could 'color' it up-- and again I answered that I liked what I had read: that 'Simple' is just right much of the time.

Unbeknownst to me he RE-posted it on the other board, then EMAILED someone else with the same sort of -'help me out here'- and without any other comment, UNDER his poem appeared the poem-- changed and rewritten. (Also a good poem- but my god-- a different poem altogether, especially in tone)- and that's what had drawn me to it in the first place.

It had lost its happy innocence and was now layered in hints of sadness and the feeling of world-weariness that hadn't been in the original. I then (on the board I'd been intending to leave anyway) commented that it's "fine to doubt one's own work-- but to doubt the honest words of a responder was insulting." And went on to finish off my final comment with a poem about the pitfalls of chosing gods who seem to render the world so much better. The poem in essence was an urging to trust and appreciate the self, and not to be so easily dissuaded from your own creative instinct or truth as you find it.

This caused grandstanding and mass deletions on the part of the other poet/helper and just nastiness all round. I was of course, the seeming heavy. Having seen this same behavior repeated many times in the past, I knew it to be posturing and a general grab for attention, also inciting others to take sides, thereby dividing the place into good guys and 'BAD GUY' --again-- and wanting to be begged not to go, to please remain in the group

instead of seeing....that if the original request- to help with the poem- had been done by email (which doubtless it had) then the 'help' should have ALSO been by email. That would have allowed a dissatisfied writer to come up with changes if they were called for on his own--- instead of rewriting the damn thing for him.

As I see it -that's what this was really about:

that I took the too-often accepted practice of 'one upsmanship' on these boards, and I think it revealed something about that sort of behavior.

Thank god I have my own retreat where I can write in goddamned peace. LOL! 'Poets'. Bunch of babies, I say.



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