Weblog 3
December 4, 2005~ 2:30pm
I am sitting here typing, hearing the sound of the washer and dryer, comfortingly humming and slooshing in the basement. Today is our annual company Christmas party, so I won't be seeing my mother for shopping or our weekly visit, I'll be driving the usual distance, then a bit farther to a lovely country club built in the 1920's with an Victorian glass house and its tall trees growing inside and covered in white lights. There'll be Christmas trees on every balcony in tradional red, gold and green with giant ornaments, delicious food and a table of gourmet desserts. It should be a fine late afternoon and early evening for me, but it always leaves me feeling a bit nervous.
Why is that? Why is it that 'occasions' in my life inevitably leave me feeling jittery, and make me ill at ease? I am a creature truly of habit-- most happy when the surface of the water is unrippled with any new boat-- I like 'sameness' and continuity--makes me feel safe I think. The thrusting of something new into my experience- even the most pleasant of experiences- maybe even because they are anticipated as 'pleasant'- creates disquiet. One of my quirks. And an annoying one to me, at that.
I spent the missing dates here, still restoring images in issue after issue of Blue House, only to find once again as I was beginning April of 2004, that the original host is back up. LOL!! So I stopped there and will see how long it lasts. Always sumpthin', right?
At any rate, hearing the laundry churning and chugging away downstairs with the homey smell of laundry soap and bleach in the air are some of my favorite times. I'm slow to start this chore--and wait till I'm wearing some impossibly holey -or 'too small should have been thrown away months ago' undies before I'll actually do it, but I'm always happy once it's begun. Smells and sounds that echo from childhood: someone being responsible, someone taking care...now I'm that person, and it's a comfort by gum.
December 4, 2005~ 10:15pm
Party's over. Yes, the place was just as beautiful...a place the ghost of Christmas present would feel at home in..........LOTS of lights and pine- gorgeous, big ornaments and lush garland...
...and I couldn't help but think about those 'flappers' from the 20's kicking up their heels in there...ragtime music and bootleg bathtub gin. The place has an 'ambience' for sure...haunting...hearkening back to the decadent days before the crash of '29 when the steel moguls ruled the upper eschelon of Pittsburgh society.
Even tonight, watching some private party walk through the black and white checkered marble hallway on their way from the bar to their tables in private rooms- drinks in hand- white-haired, ruddy-cheeked men of privilege passed by me and I swear I felt suddenly like 'the little match girl'- catching their dismissive looks, their pampered wives in tow with multi-carated jewelry on their fingers and around their necks, coiffed hair and pricey outfits: the arrogance of old money. For all its beauty, there is a kind of rot beneath- a darkening on the inside like overly-ripe fruit- a softness that I could almost see, but the only sour note in an otherwise lovely evening.
Our own company family of one hundred fifty who showed up tonight were laughing and very warm toward one another. I won a 75 dollar gift certificate to 'The Cheesecake Factory' -a new restaurant on the South Side. Mu-mu's and caftans here I come. I'm blowing up like Moby! Lol....I may be lamp oil in the new year...
Another annual Christmas party over. Another notch in the belt of time--thinking of all the ones who are gone now after 22 years. Auld lang zyne, my dear ones. Auld lang zyne.
December 6, 2005 5:45pm
Home at last! I am even more gleeful today than other days- because tomorrow starts a 5-day vacation for me: no work, no commute till Monday the 12th. (Every year I save up some days to use early in December because my nerves just cannot take the rush and shopping in the home stretch close to Christmas)- and I hate to shop. Let me just get rid of any stereotypes you may have about 'all women'. This one.....HATES to shop!
I intend to make a mad dash into ONE STORE only- ("Walmart" probably, because they are open 24 hours a day) and do it all, every last toy and trinket rung up, packed up, and out of there in a couple of hours--most likely in the hours when everybody else is
sleeping. Been thinking about that and I think that may be the best way to go. Of course, tomorrow......
I will be in a happy, vegetative state. Something comparable to John Hurt in the 1980 film, "Altered States"- and for those who remember that Ken Russell movie....
I will be "eating a goat." LOL!!!--floating in a insolation tank otherwise known as my bed. O-Be-Joyful.....
nuthin to do but sleep and fritter around here on this computer, snack and sleep some more. Almost heaven---west of the moon, east of anything like any other Wednesday.
December 8, 2005~ 1:30am
I barely side-swiped getting in here yesterday and writing something-- a mere hour ago it was December 7th-- day of 'infamy'--but this was my first sluglike, lazy day off. I have things I have to do, but I'd already promised myself one full day of sloth: sleeping, eating, reading and doing exactly what I damn well pleased for a whole 24 hours. That's gone now and by damned if I don't still want more time to do exactly that.
It's the human condition to pine for what it doesn't have at the moment, and I've more or less accepted that, but I'm still astonished that it crops up anyway despite my knowing it. I spent the day sleeping and puttering on the computer, writing poems and surfing on a waxed, electronic board for the time I've been awake. Nothing to show-- no Christmas stocking stuffers-- lights from last year never taken down, drooping and mis-hung-- still dark and unlit in the windows. (I had this crazy idea 2 years ago that I'd keep up the twinkle lights since they are usually the most heinous of the decorating tasks, and I'd just re-light them for the season. Last year, I didn't turn on a bulb. lol....too damn lazy.)
One lovely thing that happened (and don't you just love those things that are unexpected, that are windfalls of kindness suddenly)- is that a fella who'd spent some time today reading my poetry was thoughtful enough to drop me an email. Out of the blue. Just like that- a little "yes, I hear you. I like the way you think" sort of thing, but oh my goodness, such things make all the difference.
I did feed the cats. Scooped out the litterboxes, and for sustenance, I ate a quarter of a pie. LOL!!--- and drank a glass of milk. Have been drowning in coffee as though I've just invented the bean- and when I went into the spare bedroom where I keep the phone (ringer turned 'OFF'- answering machine on, but unchecked most days) to call my mother at 5:20 today and let her know I'm still breathing, there was a message from yesterday to remind me of my dental appointment at 5:30pm today. Damn...always something to make you feel guilty isn't it the truth?-- I'll probably be charged for it, but just to be at least 'polite', I memorized the number saying it 5 times in my head and called to cancel.
The receptionist's voice was every bit as snotty acknowleging my call as it was for her 'reminder'. All dentists' staff were Nazis in a past life I am convinced. Oh, well....
off to bed soon to pick up my novel at the part where the New Mexican archaeological site is about to cave in on the heroine's head.
Bet even she's missed dental appointments-- in between great loves and high adventure that is.
December 8, 2005 ~4:15pm
It's 4:00 pm, and yes...I haven't done a thing. LOL! Going to my daughter's this evening for some family time with Holly, her husband Gary, and the little 'uns, Bill and Kay. It's pizza evening! Then......I'm going shopping. The store is open till 11:00pm, so I should be able to get everything done tonight--and tomorrow, I'll begin cleaning and decorating. On a small scale for sure, but just enough to bring on some holiday cheer.
Wish me luck........I'm a terrible procrastinator. (GULP!)
(well....it's 4:35, and there's a change of plans. Bad weather coming in. Up to 8 inches of snow by 10 am tomorrow, starting tonight after 7-- but beginning with freezing rain. That scares the bejeezus out of me, so home I be this evening. Maybe some decorating instead.)
December 9, 2005~ 11:15pm
I found the perfect solution to holiday woes................BUY ONLINE!...and make sure you find someplace that offers 'free shipping')-- that's what I just did. Spent the last 4 hours shopping online in the Discovery Store....marvelous stuff. Gift wrapped- (that was extra), but oh, lordie, it's DONE!!!
Now, just to string up a few lights tomorrow...do a bit of cleaning and voila! I'll send out some cards closer to the holiday-- but I did buy those ahead of time and there they sit..... one box on top of the china closet, another hopelessly wedged against the wall halfway down the wooden monstrosity that holds it prisoner....lol! I watched it slide off the edge the night I bought them, thinking, "Yah. That's par for me-- that'll be fun trying to dig those out."
Off to bed real soon here, so I can be (somewhat) fresh in the morning to deck a few bedraggled halls. The cats will be ecstatic. One year, they were SOOOOOOOO ecstatic they pulled the tree down with one, subversive leap. Pesky little beasts.....
December 10, 2005~ 11:30am
I'm up, awake and sipping coffee on a Saturday, the day I usually sleep till 4:30 or 5:00pm, so I must be going to decorate. LOL. That would be the only explanation other than toothache or indigestion, and since I am in fine fettle, after I check email and cruise through my usual sites, it's off to the basement with me to begin digging through some boxes for the lights and the mantle creche' and other pretty gewgaws: I'll be twinkling by this evening, and very much in tune with this gawdy, much beloved season.
It seems to be quite bright outside, so there's snow on the ground and seasonal good cheer spread over the big bushes in front of the house and on the lawns like icing-- someone break open the "White Christmas" movie-- I'm in the mood for sentiment. (Actually, I have some CD's here beside the computer. "Christmas Festival of Carols, featuring the hammered dulcimer" (didn't even know those things could drink) as well as "Chestnuts: A Romantic Christmas"- must be one of those 'tree-hugger' CDs. lol...oh well...giddy already and I haven't even started. Nogs away, old chump. I'm headed over the river and through the woods, my head clogged with ghosts. Ebeneezer...you didn't win out this year, yule old goat!
***
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I am sitting here typing, hearing the sound of the washer and dryer, comfortingly humming and slooshing in the basement. Today is our annual company Christmas party, so I won't be seeing my mother for shopping or our weekly visit, I'll be driving the usual distance, then a bit farther to a lovely country club built in the 1920's with an Victorian glass house and its tall trees growing inside and covered in white lights. There'll be Christmas trees on every balcony in tradional red, gold and green with giant ornaments, delicious food and a table of gourmet desserts. It should be a fine late afternoon and early evening for me, but it always leaves me feeling a bit nervous.
Why is that? Why is it that 'occasions' in my life inevitably leave me feeling jittery, and make me ill at ease? I am a creature truly of habit-- most happy when the surface of the water is unrippled with any new boat-- I like 'sameness' and continuity--makes me feel safe I think. The thrusting of something new into my experience- even the most pleasant of experiences- maybe even because they are anticipated as 'pleasant'- creates disquiet. One of my quirks. And an annoying one to me, at that.
I spent the missing dates here, still restoring images in issue after issue of Blue House, only to find once again as I was beginning April of 2004, that the original host is back up. LOL!! So I stopped there and will see how long it lasts. Always sumpthin', right?
At any rate, hearing the laundry churning and chugging away downstairs with the homey smell of laundry soap and bleach in the air are some of my favorite times. I'm slow to start this chore--and wait till I'm wearing some impossibly holey -or 'too small should have been thrown away months ago' undies before I'll actually do it, but I'm always happy once it's begun. Smells and sounds that echo from childhood: someone being responsible, someone taking care...now I'm that person, and it's a comfort by gum.
December 4, 2005~ 10:15pm
Party's over. Yes, the place was just as beautiful...a place the ghost of Christmas present would feel at home in..........LOTS of lights and pine- gorgeous, big ornaments and lush garland...
...and I couldn't help but think about those 'flappers' from the 20's kicking up their heels in there...ragtime music and bootleg bathtub gin. The place has an 'ambience' for sure...haunting...hearkening back to the decadent days before the crash of '29 when the steel moguls ruled the upper eschelon of Pittsburgh society.
Even tonight, watching some private party walk through the black and white checkered marble hallway on their way from the bar to their tables in private rooms- drinks in hand- white-haired, ruddy-cheeked men of privilege passed by me and I swear I felt suddenly like 'the little match girl'- catching their dismissive looks, their pampered wives in tow with multi-carated jewelry on their fingers and around their necks, coiffed hair and pricey outfits: the arrogance of old money. For all its beauty, there is a kind of rot beneath- a darkening on the inside like overly-ripe fruit- a softness that I could almost see, but the only sour note in an otherwise lovely evening.
Our own company family of one hundred fifty who showed up tonight were laughing and very warm toward one another. I won a 75 dollar gift certificate to 'The Cheesecake Factory' -a new restaurant on the South Side. Mu-mu's and caftans here I come. I'm blowing up like Moby! Lol....I may be lamp oil in the new year...
Another annual Christmas party over. Another notch in the belt of time--thinking of all the ones who are gone now after 22 years. Auld lang zyne, my dear ones. Auld lang zyne.
December 6, 2005 5:45pm
Home at last! I am even more gleeful today than other days- because tomorrow starts a 5-day vacation for me: no work, no commute till Monday the 12th. (Every year I save up some days to use early in December because my nerves just cannot take the rush and shopping in the home stretch close to Christmas)- and I hate to shop. Let me just get rid of any stereotypes you may have about 'all women'. This one.....HATES to shop!
I intend to make a mad dash into ONE STORE only- ("Walmart" probably, because they are open 24 hours a day) and do it all, every last toy and trinket rung up, packed up, and out of there in a couple of hours--most likely in the hours when everybody else is
sleeping. Been thinking about that and I think that may be the best way to go. Of course, tomorrow......
I will be in a happy, vegetative state. Something comparable to John Hurt in the 1980 film, "Altered States"- and for those who remember that Ken Russell movie....
I will be "eating a goat." LOL!!!--floating in a insolation tank otherwise known as my bed. O-Be-Joyful.....
nuthin to do but sleep and fritter around here on this computer, snack and sleep some more. Almost heaven---west of the moon, east of anything like any other Wednesday.
December 8, 2005~ 1:30am
I barely side-swiped getting in here yesterday and writing something-- a mere hour ago it was December 7th-- day of 'infamy'--but this was my first sluglike, lazy day off. I have things I have to do, but I'd already promised myself one full day of sloth: sleeping, eating, reading and doing exactly what I damn well pleased for a whole 24 hours. That's gone now and by damned if I don't still want more time to do exactly that.
It's the human condition to pine for what it doesn't have at the moment, and I've more or less accepted that, but I'm still astonished that it crops up anyway despite my knowing it. I spent the day sleeping and puttering on the computer, writing poems and surfing on a waxed, electronic board for the time I've been awake. Nothing to show-- no Christmas stocking stuffers-- lights from last year never taken down, drooping and mis-hung-- still dark and unlit in the windows. (I had this crazy idea 2 years ago that I'd keep up the twinkle lights since they are usually the most heinous of the decorating tasks, and I'd just re-light them for the season. Last year, I didn't turn on a bulb. lol....too damn lazy.)
One lovely thing that happened (and don't you just love those things that are unexpected, that are windfalls of kindness suddenly)- is that a fella who'd spent some time today reading my poetry was thoughtful enough to drop me an email. Out of the blue. Just like that- a little "yes, I hear you. I like the way you think" sort of thing, but oh my goodness, such things make all the difference.
I did feed the cats. Scooped out the litterboxes, and for sustenance, I ate a quarter of a pie. LOL!!--- and drank a glass of milk. Have been drowning in coffee as though I've just invented the bean- and when I went into the spare bedroom where I keep the phone (ringer turned 'OFF'- answering machine on, but unchecked most days) to call my mother at 5:20 today and let her know I'm still breathing, there was a message from yesterday to remind me of my dental appointment at 5:30pm today. Damn...always something to make you feel guilty isn't it the truth?-- I'll probably be charged for it, but just to be at least 'polite', I memorized the number saying it 5 times in my head and called to cancel.
The receptionist's voice was every bit as snotty acknowleging my call as it was for her 'reminder'. All dentists' staff were Nazis in a past life I am convinced. Oh, well....
off to bed soon to pick up my novel at the part where the New Mexican archaeological site is about to cave in on the heroine's head.
Bet even she's missed dental appointments-- in between great loves and high adventure that is.
December 8, 2005 ~4:15pm
It's 4:00 pm, and yes...I haven't done a thing. LOL! Going to my daughter's this evening for some family time with Holly, her husband Gary, and the little 'uns, Bill and Kay. It's pizza evening! Then......I'm going shopping. The store is open till 11:00pm, so I should be able to get everything done tonight--and tomorrow, I'll begin cleaning and decorating. On a small scale for sure, but just enough to bring on some holiday cheer.
Wish me luck........I'm a terrible procrastinator. (GULP!)
(well....it's 4:35, and there's a change of plans. Bad weather coming in. Up to 8 inches of snow by 10 am tomorrow, starting tonight after 7-- but beginning with freezing rain. That scares the bejeezus out of me, so home I be this evening. Maybe some decorating instead.)
December 9, 2005~ 11:15pm
I found the perfect solution to holiday woes................BUY ONLINE!...and make sure you find someplace that offers 'free shipping')-- that's what I just did. Spent the last 4 hours shopping online in the Discovery Store....marvelous stuff. Gift wrapped- (that was extra), but oh, lordie, it's DONE!!!
Now, just to string up a few lights tomorrow...do a bit of cleaning and voila! I'll send out some cards closer to the holiday-- but I did buy those ahead of time and there they sit..... one box on top of the china closet, another hopelessly wedged against the wall halfway down the wooden monstrosity that holds it prisoner....lol! I watched it slide off the edge the night I bought them, thinking, "Yah. That's par for me-- that'll be fun trying to dig those out."
Off to bed real soon here, so I can be (somewhat) fresh in the morning to deck a few bedraggled halls. The cats will be ecstatic. One year, they were SOOOOOOOO ecstatic they pulled the tree down with one, subversive leap. Pesky little beasts.....
December 10, 2005~ 11:30am
I'm up, awake and sipping coffee on a Saturday, the day I usually sleep till 4:30 or 5:00pm, so I must be going to decorate. LOL. That would be the only explanation other than toothache or indigestion, and since I am in fine fettle, after I check email and cruise through my usual sites, it's off to the basement with me to begin digging through some boxes for the lights and the mantle creche' and other pretty gewgaws: I'll be twinkling by this evening, and very much in tune with this gawdy, much beloved season.
It seems to be quite bright outside, so there's snow on the ground and seasonal good cheer spread over the big bushes in front of the house and on the lawns like icing-- someone break open the "White Christmas" movie-- I'm in the mood for sentiment. (Actually, I have some CD's here beside the computer. "Christmas Festival of Carols, featuring the hammered dulcimer" (didn't even know those things could drink) as well as "Chestnuts: A Romantic Christmas"- must be one of those 'tree-hugger' CDs. lol...oh well...giddy already and I haven't even started. Nogs away, old chump. I'm headed over the river and through the woods, my head clogged with ghosts. Ebeneezer...you didn't win out this year, yule old goat!
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