Weblog 4

December 11, 2005~ 2:00am
Well, I'm in a lot better shape than I was the day before yesterday. Gifts bought-- and even most odious of all-- the one task that makes me want to give up five minutes into it......cleaning! In a place like mine, it always feels like trying to pour the ocean into a hole in the sand. My eyes have teared all day from dust, and I've been blowing out a lot of gray matter when I blow my nose-- it's like holding a tissue to Mt. St. Helens. It's a wonder I survive in this house at all: dust bunnies the size of schnauzers whenever I pull a piece of furniture out to get behind it...

I mean, these things are so BIG there must be teeth in there somewhere. There's apparently a whole sub rasa world of gray, diaphanous filth I coexist with on a normal-(fill in 'blind' here)-basis.

Everytime I start a huge house job and want to slit my wrists five minutes into it, I look to the cats as culprits: those shedding, licking, sandpaper-tongued balls of living batting----between stepping barefooted on hairballs which is definitely going to give me a heart attack one day, to breathing in fur pollution and clouds of 'clumpable' fine litter, I may as well take a medical disability right now.

Cats live as long as they do because they kill their owners, slowly, over time, infecting their lungs...and then they suck that life right back into themselves--the inside of my lungs right now looks like a series of spider tunnels I'll bet, the smug, inscrutable little bastards, sitting around like baby buddhas all over the furniture, tables, my own HEAD, fercrissakes! I just hope my cigarette smoke takes them out first.

But dogs are worse. Don't get me started on dogs....


December 12, 2005~ 2:50am
Something's happened. I'm getting some Christmas spirit here. Woke up today, came downstairs and saw the living room dusted, neat--the boxed tidily stacked, waiting for me to finished trimming the tree and hanging the wreath above the mantle, and I feel like Jimmy Stewart...Margaret O'Brien.....Boris Karloff with his born-again Grinchy voice, holding hands with the Whos of Whoville. I've got it! My heart's grown three sizes overnight. "Vahoo vorays, Dahoo dorays, Welcome, welcome Christmas day"--Cindy Lou Who, come crawl on this lap and we'll string some Jiffy Pop, Tiny Tim, here's some garland for your crutch. Frosty, old friend......"Happy Birthday!"


December 13, 2005~ 7:30pm
Christmas spirit left almost simultaneously with re-entry into the workplace. LOL!! I'm not kidding-- I was like Frosty when the sun came out. It's been a hard time for me these last 2 days finding I'm back on a schedule again, which tends to leave me 'anxious' underneath and I've never been aware of it till now... and....there's a five year close friendship that finally flatlined, leaving a sad old bag-pipey sound in the background.

Sometimes when you never saw the signs that you'd become the obigatory, boring, contact who's there by habit, no longer a really fresh and new one to be plundered like a pirate's chest, you feel like a dope: how long? How long have I been considered non-giving? How long have I been hauled through someone else's day no longer interesting, but 'around'. I hope to God it never happens again that I'm so goddamned clueless....jeezus! In fact, if I'm boring any of you now, just drop me a line, o.k.?

Sooooooooo.....the little tree needs to be trimmed. It sits on the stereo, pining. It waits for a lighter touch than I can muster right now, so maybe.....maybe....tomorrow. Maybe I'll come home looking and feeling less of a dishrag after 10 hours in the hopper, put on some Bing and finish the poor baby tree. Maybe...


December 15, 2005~ 9:45pm
Today's my daughter's 32nd birthday. So hard to believe......gosh. I called her from work to tell her I love her, and there in the background was 2 1/2 year old Bill, yabbering away...lol. That always makes me so happy. What I could hear was, "Momma, is it Batman or Robin? Is it Robin?"- over and over, till Holly answered, "No, Bill. It's Grandma. Please, be quiet now." But he yammered on like he was waiting for his wheels to stop spinning.

I'm watching them this Saturday for a few hours-- Bill and baby Kay. OOooooooo....it'll be a Christmasy day for me: we can watch videos and talk about the decorations- and Santa's fat self coming in the door when he doesn't have a chimney. (I've already thought about this, and- I know: special keys.) Made by elves. The silversmithy ones who love to tap, tap, tap and give Mrs. Claus a whale of a headache. "And.....and....."Is it Robin?"

LOL. Then I'll be pounded with a bucketful of 'whys' and how come's till I'm flat out exhausted, but happily so.

Today was crap however, despite that little flashlight of "happy". Lousy wintery mix weather that I fretted about all day and tried to seem like I wasn't. Freezing rain, sleet, regular old rain and snow tossed from heaven onto our roads, and why....don't we pray enough? Lordy!- took an hour and a half to get home. Luckily I had a sandwich with me which I chomped on ravenously while I listened to Tommy Lee Jones being interviewed on NPR. Not a half bad commute really, with those distractions: food.....and a hunka hunka burning love. (again, 'LOL') because I found Mr. Jones to be bright, arrogant, bored-sounding, and altogether unlikeable; what a disappointment, I mean, I love this guy! At least, the persona he displays in his films.

Isn't that always the way though? Get too close and out pops the boogeyman.....'wintery mix' means: "YOU'RE ALL GONNA DIE OUT THERE!", so let's lay our cards on the table and just say, "Ah, f*ck it. I'm comin through anyway. Goin around once."



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