Weblog 42

November 26, 2006~ 7:30pm
I started this four day weekend off with two high hopes: one being the weekend itself, which seems to have flown by unnoticed now that I am on its cusp and rather crotchety to boot- the other is the book that I talked about, and oh- the less said the better. High hopes for both, and both crashed around my feet in thousands of unrecognizable pieces. I'm afraid if I walk around barefoot in this mood, I'll cut myself.

Which brings me to the very idea of hoping and anticipation-- packaging and preconceptions. This weekend blurred and burped by without any real high points (except maybe the Thanksgiving meal, which was exceptionally good), but I realize too, that I picked the perfect film for this extended holiday-- Burden of Dreams by the incomparable Werner Herzog. It is a chronicle of the making of his movie in the jungles of Peru amid the most daunting circumstances back in the late 70's early 80's. It took four years to finish and had impossible setbacks, horrible weather, but the making of the film was eerily like its subject: a man named Fitzcarraldo who ventured into the Amazon jungle and had the surreal idea of bringing his adored Enrico Caruso into the jungle to perform there in a grand opera house that he would build. In order to do this, he had to pull a huge boat up a mountain using only natives and their backs and strength, and it failed miserably-- but how wonderful a notion: that dreams themselves are the biggest burdens we bear in this life, heavier often than problems we surmount each and every day.

For many of us, it is our dreams that kill us- either the soul of us or the actual body in so many ways. To listen to the voice of Herzog is a joy to me like others feel when listening to great composers. His voice is an intrument of wonderful richness and pain-- and there is nothing like looking into those enigmatic eyes which I can never decide if they look 'dead'- or too deep for description on this plane.

So I am left tonight feeling somewhat 'bereft'. I am burdened by dreams and I see no way clear to being exactly who I am: as mysterious to myself as probably to everyone around me-- either joyful and insane- or despondent and insane-- no matter how you look at it, I am something other than 'usual', I will say that. And as changeable as the moon....


November 27, 2006~ 6:15pm
Today was the 'back to work' day. I have rarely been this miserable with the prospect as I was today. Oh, I worked like the barn was burning....lots to do....went at it full-throttle, but underneath there was a pervasive sense of anger. Of feeling 'blue'. I can't put my finger on it, and it STILL has to do with the disappointment hinted at above- (i.e.- I feel 'taken in'- by hype) so I was determined to come home, get into a robe, get the make-up off my face and crawl back into bed.

I've been home for over 2 hours, and you can see that didn't happen. All that transpired is that my AVG free virus protection (the new 'improved' 7.5 beta version) will not update, so that's sent me off on a few goose chases (no 'geese' were caught, btw)- but I did find that LOTS of folks are having this problem for the past 2 days. I think it's a server problem on their end- but who knows?

So today, I found this little guy- and he seems to look just like me at present:





Yep. Cute.....but blue. Cute, but kinda pudgy, standing there self-consciously...that's me alright. And you know- that idea of hitting the hay doesn't sound half-bad right now.


November 28, 2006~ 5:30pm
It seems I have entered the little blue elephant mode, and cannot snap out of it. I have an affinity for the chubby, sad little guy. I woke up today in his skin. Periwinkle blue, with 2 ton weights in the feet, and I lumbered through this day- (again- a good day at work if we're talkin'...productivity, but I swear to god it was like I'd become a logging truck- bearing a cargo of REDWOODS to the saw mill.)

The alarm went off at 4:30 am, and I squelched it, got up, plugged in the hot rollers and fell back into bed for another hour. The last thing I remember before I slipped into my coma is a sound very much like a lumberjack would make, taking off his boots after 12 hours, a very deep and groany "Ughhhhhhhhh!"-- with hair on its chest!

I finished my book, 'The Interpreter'- so I don't know what tonight's new one's gonna be like- (just a second hand thing I picked up at the local restaurant/book exchange, and I don't even know what it is, but there's a neat minimalist painting on the cover of a skeleton in a tophat riding a bicycle. If that ain't a seller for 'discriminating tastes' I don't know what IS!....lol!) I hope it at least holds my interest till the eyelids get droopy.

So here he is, the somber little fella again, but retouched with what the general mood is this evening-





Somebody sprinkle some 'happy dust' over me.....everything's blue but the eyes. (They're still- and very appropriately- shit brown.)


November 29, 2006~ 5:30pm
I love JOKES!! I can't help it. Something with a sneaky punchline will nearly make me wet my pants, and it's always been that way- and I can't tell a joke well to save my life- lol...always mess them up- always end up saying midway through- "oh, wait! No....no....back when they came into the room, it wasn't a parrot, it was a MONKEY!"--- or some such thing that ruins it for the most persevering of listeners.

But I LOVE to pass on things that are sent to me, that make me laugh out loud---This one did. (Can you tell I'm in a better mood today? Well, I am, and I only had 4 1/2 hours b-r-o-k-e-n sleep. Who can say what makes the seesaw dip one way or the other.) O.K. Here it is-

~A Whale Tale~

........A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Let's both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time; and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink."

.........They tried it, and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon, however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him.


........"Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

LOL!!!! Have a good night, y'all. (More on why I'm feeling better, later. Yes, I do know why.)


December 1, 2006~ 5:15am
Good lord, is it possible it's the first of December?? This year has flown by and everything seems a blur now. And I am not in my customary panic over the holidays coming up--this year I refuse to decorate. (Since my little tree stayed up till June this past year, it's just not a good thing for someone this much 'out of time'-- to try and keep up with seasonal things. LOL!)-- I'll send cards and shop and shop online. Period.

Our annual company Christmas party is again coming up on the 13th- so having four days still to claim before the end of the year, I'm taking the 13th, 14th and 15th off........just 'because...to give myself a -'before the hooplah' break, I guess.

It's during that break that I'll write the cards and do the online search for gifts. Maybe.......maaaaaaybe... a little cleaning, but just for me; just because there's only so much cat hair one person can inhale without coming down with feline-lung or something, and of course, there's that roomful of 'real laundry' I've put off doing for months since the washer broke. (Yes, like a college student, it is possible to survive months on end with washing things out in the bathtub and sink- buying new undies and tea towels- etc) -but mid-month will find me actually carting things to a laudromat. I'll probably have to hire a U-Haul to get it there. And hope and hope that the one I use does not still employ the woman who gave me the evil eye when I broke one of their heavy-duty loaders this past summer.

Perhaps I'll get lucky. Perhaps she's run off with the repair man and is living in Paris, loving the very thought of me each and every day when she wakes up to her brie and croissants breakfast, arms tightly entwined around some burly type- his wrenches and plumbing snake on the nightstand. Life is so mysterious. It could happen like that. You know it could....


December 1, 2006~ 8:15pm
Ok....topic for this evening is: writing with something other than the uterus--- a topic I often bring up- for those who know me- but it's utterly mystifying to me how the bulk-- the hugely lopsided bulk of what other women poets write about is sex and love, lovely sex or some other contrived combination of the two. Why is this? Men don't do it to nearly the same extent, but women writers do. I don't think it's confined solely to the net, but I think the internet, with its addictive immediate feedback, etc, has certainly fed into it. It's either that--- or I'm one of the strangest women poets in the world.

I would say that truthfully, two out of every three poems I read from female writers proves this theory absolutely. And verbs, certain common verbs are a red flag that you're entering this type of 'look at me, I am hot' sort of poem. They are: suck, stroke, throb, thrum, lick, tickle, quiver, and cup. Adjectives are also markers-- moist, wet, swollen, sticky, breathless, hardened, softened and (my favorite)...'glowing'. Admittedly, if lessons are learned from the ad-barkers on the internet, sex sells. It also gets attention. Which leaves me to ask- is that what this is mostly about? Or are other women thinking of the sex/love thing 95 percent of the time, even with brain engaged in creative pursuit. Teens I can forgive because they are chained to their hormones, and the depths and the ecstatic heights of first loves, first break ups and so on...

But middle aged women? Mothers with little ones running around? Career women tired from the office and the daily grind? Are they all into Eros that deeply???

If so....I turn in my badge. This ain't my team --or anything I can relate to--it's trivial, silly --and a wee bit self-aggrandizing in a "LOOK-AT-ME! LOOK-AT-ME!" sort of way. Toss the philosophy at me....grab a boulder. Let's talk about death and the stars- the elements-- lets, ferchrissakes, expand a little.

And with that little diatribe, and having come to the end of the work week- the little blue elephant is feeling much, much better. Have a look yourself-





That image is copyrighted, btw- and to see it and other glorious, witty, intelligent renderings, visit one of my favorite sites to browse online: Worth 1000- and they are...those pictures truly are. Congratulations to all the talented folks who participate there....it's a doosey of a place.



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