Weblog 303

December 4, 2011~ 1:45 pm
Guess what? I'm OFF for the next 8 days. (It was one of those 'use it or lose it' situations, and the year is fast reaching a close. I had 10 vacation days left so I'm gonna at least use 5 of 'em... then see if I can manage any more.)

I intend to do absolutely nothing. Alone and quiet.....



except for visiting mum of course, and writing out Christmas cards....doing my online shopping. It'll be nice to back off of everything for a while... to get up when I want to and sleep when I feel like it.

It would be nice to have some Christmas music. (All my attempts to restore my computer's CD Rom drive this past week have failed. That's mostly what I've been doing compulsively, in every free moment. Obsessively fiddling and re-doing.) I've been without one since 2009 when I had to reinstall Windows, but I suddenly got an itch to see if I could wake it up and perhaps listen to some audio CD's and hear some Mannheim Steamroller for Christmas, but all attempts have failed. I'm afraid if I keep at it, I'll end up destroying my computer for good. LOL!!! (Had a close call last night when I dug up some old back-up and installed that, but my computer wouldn't boot afterward. I think it was a warning to stop mucking around in the system.) Sooooo......



So for now, I'll be the stoic lady, cut off...there's a sharp boundary in front of me beyond which I better not venture. (I'll heed the warnings for once and quit while I'm ahead.) There's enough color to go around without the music (though it's mostly in my head) --it'll have to be enough.

There's much to be grateful for. My sister came through her knee replacement surgery last week with flying colors. I was so relieved to hear her voice on the very evening of her surgery when she called. She's a tough one. Determined and upbeat. THAT'S the BIG ONE for right now.

And now I have time to hole up, read, relax for a whole week....



peering out at the world through a small opening in my cave, smiling.

(Strangely, I also feel a bit down... but that may be the disorientation of completely unstructured time.) I'm sure by week's end I'll be acclimated and hating to jump back in, but for now, it's a weird state of mind. We humans are terribly complex creatures. I've given up thinking I understand myself years ago... like this computer, our inner workings are mysterious and touchy, and the 'brights' and the 'darks' show up as they please. We seem to be reflecting pools with no say over the scenery, and the only given is it's changing all the time. Have a good week yourselves.




December 7, 2011~ 5:15 pm
Well..... I have to admit.... these days off have done nothing for me but to allow a pall of mild depression to settle in. LOL!!! What the heck is WRONG with me??? I get nine days off in a row and the inability to do anything descends like a cloud of superglue, trapping me in one spot, unable to move. It's suffocating.



(That's the poster for a 1974 movie with Olivia Hussey, Margot Kidder and Keir Dullea. I loved that I found it. Suits me to a 'tee'.)

Now that I've put a face on it, I feel better. Tonight..... I do the online shopping. Enough slumbering for most of the day, schlepping around in fuzzy slipper socks and a ratty old robe. (I did go visit mum yesterday, so that forced me into some clean-up, make-up and getting dressed, and tomorrow I'll do the same in the afternoon. I'm not a TOTAL zombie.)

I emailed my daughter-in-law Niki and suggested a Walmart gift card. There's a large Walmart right at Ft. Leavenworth and delightfully, today she wrote back that she LOVED the idea. (With grandkids so far away, growing up so fast..... it's hard to tell what might suit them or what they already have. That'll make that whole half of the family easy to fix up with gifts.) Tomorrow I'll write out my Christmas cards.... perhaps stop at the dollar store after I see mum and pick up some things for Kathy's grandkids.) There. See?..... a plan is all that's needed....a 'self-kick in the ass' to get me going. Holly's family is always fun to shop for online, so that'll occupy my evening.

I honestly don't know where this inertia comes from. It's like pathological procastination. At least this afternoon I found a wonderful, CREEPY, marvelous artist online.....



I think finding her somehow put a FACE to my depression and fears. She's incredible. Just pencil on paper, and look how nightmares come to life. Her name is

Laurie Lipton.

(And that 'be in art' is one of my favorite sites. Today, Laurie's work resonated enough to pop me right out of ennui. Thank goodness.) Her official page is her

GALLERY.

I'm sure you'll enjoy your visit. (My old browser had a hard time rendering it, but I'm certain you'll navigate just fine.) Now..... another pot of coffee, and off I go, shopping online. The dam has burst. Look out! LOL!!!




December 8, 2011~ 12:45 am
With all my b*tching and moaning in here this week....... yet, there is progress..... and gifts beyond measure. I am one lucky lady. While I was suffering here, trying over and over to get my order through online (and not succeeding due to this old computer, which I refuse to give up... it's some symbolic representation of 'self')I had a call on my cellphone from my granddaughter Kay.



(That's her on Thanksgiving. I finally uploaded the photos on the camera I'd left behind at Holly's on Thanksgiving.) Breathless and giggly, she had to tell me her front tooth was getting 'wobbly loose'.....aaaaaaand..... did I know there was a package in my door. "Front or back?" I asked. "Ummmmm.....the front. NO....the back. You should check it." I thanked her and said I'd do that right away.

And what did I find???



TA-DAAAAAAAH!!!! A brand-spanking-new CD PLAYER! LOL!!! Holly has been reading this blog and thought she'd cheer me up, so I got an early Christmas gift! I swear to God, I have the most THOUGHTFUL daughter in the world! I slapped my teeth in and made a call back to let her know (despite the clicking of my unsecured choppers) that it was wonderful.... and made me cry. So tonight...... (no, no Christmas music) ... I hooked the device right up and I carried my old printer (which I NEVER use) upstairs to the back bedroom. The little CD player is right next to me here on a little bench that used to hold the printer and I've been listening over and over to the poetry of David Whyte, who soothes my soul and keeps me sane. THANKS SO MUCH, HOLLY AND KAY!!!

With that as background, keeping me centered, I persisted and FOUR HOUR LATER, yes...... I FINALLY got my order to go through. LOL!!! I'm gonna try those same tubes of commerce now in this ungodly hour and see if perhaps less traffic will render things more accommodating to this old machine of mine. But first... 2 more Thanksgiving pictures. Here's Bill



in prayerful pose sitting next to his grandad, offering up the good words before we all dug in.

And here's a good portion of the whole group



his grandma Joan, and Frank, his other grandad... there's Gary... the back of Holly's head....LOL!!.... it's just me and Wayne who are missing. (I was snapping the photo and Wayne was way too far down the my side of the table to fit in the shot.) I loved that cozy meal in their downstairs gameroom. It was homey. Just like the feeling I have now... having been shown so remarkably how much I am thought of.... and cared about. I am one lucky gal. :)





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